SEXUAL ISSUES IN CLINICAL PRACTICE FORUM ARCHIVE
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Re: affairs
Monica · 3/19/00 at 7:18 pm ET
I guess this is another issue with strong opinions on both sides. I, for one, agree with you. I do not think it can be good for the marriage. Anytime you have one partner who is not being truthful, in serious ways, this destroys the intimacy that is the crux of a marriage. Dishonesty is divisive by nature. I see no way that an affair that continues can be good for a marriage. The only positive thing I can think of coming from an affair is if it calls attention to the fact that something is unsatisfactory with the marriage. But I don't think marital therapy could progress if the affair were to continue. It would be like trying to do therapy with someone who came to appointments under the influence of drugs or alcohol. The other thing is, I don't think it promotes mental health to live a lie. It creates anxiety and incongruence within the individual, and reinforces within the individual that s/he is dishonest, or that relationships are not meant for honesty and committment, and this can't be good. I think if I had a client present this situation, my take would be that the individual either comes clean and decides whether or not to continue the relationship, or stops the affair and agrees to work on the marriage. I would leave this choice up to the client, but the client would have to make a choice in order to continue with me.
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