Monica, Monica, Monica.... Are you really "giving your client a choice" or are you delivering an ultimatum because of your own discomfort? I agree that if you are doing couples' counseling, and one partner discloses an affair, you have to take action. The action, however, is based on the secrecy and alignment/coalition problems, not the actual affair. That's why it's always a good idea to disclose a "no secrets" policy at the beginning. I doubt anyone will seriously argue that affairs are good for a marriage. I'm curious as to why someone comes to marital therapy and discloses this information...is that a way of asking for help in making the disclosure to the other spouse? If so, are we facilitating, or being triangulated? Perhaps the "ultimatum" gives them a reason to stop coming without feeling responsible "I didn't quit, the therapist gave up on me". If this is an individual client, I would address the practicalities of the situation, in order to understand how realistic they are about what they want and what they are doing. Have they thought about getting caught? What would happen if they did? What about children? What about STD's? What about accidental pregnancy? It seems clear to me that an affair is incongruent with the goal of staying married. It's well within my scope of practice to ask questions that draw out these concerns for review by the client. In general, I'm always in favor of letting the client experience their own consequences, especially in relationship issues. I'm not there to judge whether or not the client is "right" or "good". I'm not there to rescue the client from their own behavior. Finally, I'm not there to enforce the "do what I say or I'll stop helping you" brand of therapy.
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