This has been a productive, sophisticated exchange. Thank you for sharing it. Three quick thoughts: 1. You two seem to agree that a client's sexual thoughts about the therapist are "none of the therapist's business." I strongly disagree--unless you also feel that the client's thoughts about the therapist's competence, client's desire to know more about the therapist, client's feelings of anger toward the therapist, etc., are "none of the therapist's business" as well. Let's not segregate ideas or feelings just because the content is--or seems to be--sexual. That's a prejudice that can stem from our personal discomfort or biased training (which is extremely common). 2. Re: asking clients about their sexual fantasies about us: one way to do this is to say something like, "I assume you have sexual feelings about me...I assume you have LOTS of feelings about me, both comfortable and uncomfortable. Why wouldn't you? It's all OK with me. In fact, we'll talk about some of those periodically. It may be uncomfortable for you when we do, and that's OK with me also." 3. Re: this client: Let's also focus on the girlfriend's demand that the client have no sexual fantasies or feelings about anyone other than her. She's setting up a relationship structure that can't be intimate. He needs to see the implications of her demand for him--he's already suffering under his own guilt/shame. They desperately need a series of meta-conversations about what kind of relationship is practical.
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