Explanation of Six Didactic Letters from Narcissus Dear readers at BOL's CMT Forum: Below I will post over a period of several weeks six fictitious letters that are used for instructional purposes and to invite your participation at this forum. These are not real letters from a real patient; so there is no intention here of seeking your advice and counsel for the troubled Narcissus herself or himself. Narcissus is a purely fictitious author of these letters. These letters are designed first of all to teach principles of CMT as a way of inviting your participation. CM therapists are urged to make corrections and additions as they see fit. Everyone is encouraged to give your comments or reactions to Jessica, but not to Narcissus, if these letters stimulate you to make comments or ask any questions about the content of these didactic letters. Not all of the ideas in these letters are strictly speaking part of CMT. Thus, Jessica and others may wish to clarify when Narcissus is understanding himself /herself according to ideas that do not come straight from CMT. Narcissism was chosen by the anonymous author of these letters as the psychological condition to focus on because narcissistic injury is often an important component of many conditions and because it is a condition that may be understood by CMT in ways that may differ in important ways from understanding provided by other theories. We hope you enjoy these fictitious letters and can find them helpful in comprehending CMT and related idea about narcissism. And we invite your comments and questions for Jessica. Narcissus of course will not answer because, in fact, it is not even possible for Narcissus to write these letters at all! That's why all these letters are title "IF I Could Speak," for, in fact, Narcissus cannot speak of these things. And that inability to speak is important to understand about Narcissus. Advocate for Narcissus Please see the posting titled Explanation of Six Didactic Letters from Narcissus if you have not already read it so you understand that this letter is fictitious and used for instruction. Questions and comments can be directed to Jessica, not to Narcissus, who cannot speak, of course. This first letter addresses as aspect of survivor guilt-that associated with not expecting protection, care, understanding, or help from others. It also shows how Narcissus has an unconscious plan. Here it is explicitly stated. How would Narcissus communicate a similar plan if not stated openly like this? If I Could Speak, Letter I Hi, my name is Narcissus. I cannot tell you what I need from you. But if I could tell you how you can help me, what I would say is in the following letters to you. Please feel free to talk to Jessica on this forum about what I write below. Anytime I feel unable to apologize or to express the magnitude of my When you understand me in this way, it will be obvious that I must be feeling humiliated about needing others since I am unable to say these three things. And then I ask you, Why do I feel humiliated about needing others? The answer can be found in what happened and didn't happen in my experiences with others whom I've had to depend on. Don't be a cry baby! Act your age! Stop being a pest! Don't sound so To reduce my narcissism, reduce my shame. To reduce my shame, reduce the At one time every adult narcissist like me was a needy, vulnerable, hurt child who My shrinks have said I have "entitlement attitudes." That's not the way it feels to me but that's the way I come off to others I guess. I most experience myself as humiliated, hurt, angry, and frightened--and don't know it! I really think deep down that I'm unentitled to human care and understanding, and that's why I am so easily slighted and so easily upset and why I have to hide all this from myself. See, the thing is that I really hate being slighted, but I cannot recognize this. One of the MOST humiliating things, you see, is to realize that I feel so bad over the tiniest of slights. The very smallness of the things that can make me feel humiliated is itself one of the most humiliating things to have to recognize about myself since I DON'T feel entitled to respect or care from anyone. The very smallness of things that make me feel bad is a screaming loud alarm signal showing how much I really DO need others and how much MORE I need others compared with the need for others of less narcissistic persons. But what I don't understand is that compared to less narcissistic persons, I have not had the good fortune to have been well understood and thereby was not helped to feel that it is OK to need others' care. If I could admit to how very much I hate being slighted, I would admit to something that arouses excruciating humiliation. My deepest secret is the very triviality of the things I need human care just as anyone does. But even more than care, as an adult I need most of all to be helped to feel it's OK to need others. Just one way you could help me feel entitled is to speak FOR ME about my need when I cannot admit to it or speak about it. So if ever I speak with only mild irritation or with what looks like indifference about how I felt in a situation in which I was slighted, please amplify my complaint-that helps me know how much I was offended, and tells me you would have felt offended too. Help me know it's OK to feel bad when my ruptured connections with others hurt a little and that I'm not a pest for wanting to be comforted. Help me understand it's OK to be hurt and angry when I am treated disrespectfully. More in my next letter. Sincerely not yet yours or mine,
The true author is a psychologist who prefers to remain anonymous.
Sincerely,
PREFACE
appreciation to others or my need for them, I know I am feeling ashamed of how much I have to depend on others. Not being able to say (1) "thank you," (2) "I'm sorry,"
or (3) "I need you" is the most direct and simple way to understand my problem.
stupid! Can't you do anything for yourself! What do you need me for?!
Shut up or I'll give you something to cry about! What's the matter
with you?! How much longer are you going to keep this up? You are such a fool! What are you good for?! Do you homework by yourself! Stop pestering other people.
Often, I was just left to figure everything out on my own with no help from anyone.
intensity of my passive, dependent wishes for human care and understanding. To reduce
these wishes, either gratify them or else help me understand how I was not gratified when I was more vulnerable and young so I can know it's OK to need care and understanding today.
was mistreated or otherwise suffered somehow to be left believing that
needing other people was a most unseemly thing. Today as adults such hurt persons like me will appear to be invulnerable to hurt or appear to think they do not need others. But in fact almost anything at all, even the tiniest of tiny slights or distantly implied criticisms, may cause me much inner torment that is excruciatingly humiliating and frightening, and I sometimes can get pretty angry, too. Often all this happens and I don't even know what it was that I felt slighted about, usually because it was so very insignificant. And the fact that it's so insignificant makes me feel all the more humiliated.
that make me feel so slighted. You would be amazed at the extremes I can go to to keep this secret very well hidden.
Narcissus
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