I'm aware that within phsicoanalitical praxis this is an unorthodox way to approach a personal problem, and I know that it would be much better to undergo a proper analisys in order to discover the root of the mere symptom. On the other hand this may well be the first step in analysing myself. I'm concerned with the fact that I'm turned on with violent sexual acts, including rape, gang bangs, etc.. I discoverd that the actual pain does not excite me, its the forcing that does. These fantasies would sound somewhat common in many prototypes, but I am a girl of seventeen years old. At first I was horrifed with these fantasies and tried not to think about them, but as time went be I realized that to avoid them was foolish and the best thing to do was to understand why they arouse me. When trying to understand these things came up: do I identify with the women and therefore want to be humiliated? does this humiliation rise from the guilt of doing something "wrong"? (although I wasn't raised in a conservative family the latin american society in which I live in is quite concervative) or does the guilt emerge from something much deeper than that? This creates a conflict between my id and my ego and/or my superego? is it a manifestation of an earlier conflict between my id and ego? There are many more questions that are unanswered, but maybe with some profesional insight I may be able to point my personal search in the right direction.
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