Try reading the entry by Jim Spira "Choosing Meditation" dated 5-30-01. I have restarted a dormant meditation practice by sitting for one hour per day over the last six weeks. What I find so far is that there is no peace whatsoever because there is all this garbage in my mind that needs to come out first. All sorts of things are coming out and if I didn't know better I would just quit. At first it was anger and sadness, but as I proceeded I found I was getting down to fear. This is a very uncomfortable state, but I have lots of therapeutic support so I plod on, knowing that if I get into too much trouble that I have help. What I have noticed, as stated in the message from Jim Spira, is that if I can just stay with this uncomfortable state that indeed a little bit of the Phoenix arises from the ashes. I am just a little bit more free than before contacting that state. I actually had a nightmare the other night where I woke up scared as I have not in years. Once I got over it I was O.K., but it was very uncomfortable. The next day I felt much better...until more fear came up. It seems endless, but I KNOW there is a bottom to all of this and the person I want to be is on the other side. So I don't give up. If you are going to do this I would not underestimate the support you could gain by associating with fellow meditators or a meditating therapist. I presume that they have all gone through and continue to go through these small ego deaths. Good luck to you!
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