developmentally disabled or learned behavior?

I am facing a serious dilemma regarding a step-child and frankly, I don't know where to turn.... The child is now five. The mother has a disorder that involves obssession/compulsion and is being treated for it. She became concerned about him because he talked late and was disobedient (he ran into the street when he was two, even though he was told not to). For the first two years of the child's life, the parents were literally fueding and another child was born...the father admits that there was not much attention to give to him and he spent a good majority of the time in front of a television. The mother has had both of the children on very strict, regimented schedules (eating sleeping, etc.) and stuck to the schedule regardless of circumstances. On the other hand, there are no limits or rules within the home and are no expectations of the children (picking up after themselves, getting their shoes and coats, etc.)Additionally, when the children are not watching t.v., she plays with or entertain them- they very rarely play on their own. Two years ago the mother became convinced that the oldest was autistic- based on his delay in speaking, and temper-tantrums (I called them silent tantrums because he would drop to the floor, curl up and ball and cry when he didn't get his way). He was three at the time and the parents were going through a divorce. During the parent's separation, the mother would only allow the father to be with the children inside their home and was he was not permitted to take them out at all (no, there was no reason for this other than she did want the children's lifestyle to change). When visitation occurred in the child's home, the parents argued about divorce issues and it was an uncomfortable situation, especially for the children, so the father stopped seeing them for a few months. When the divorce was finalized, the father was able to take the children out of the home on a certain day between certain times only...he was living with me and my two children by this time. When he would pick up the children, the mother would stand outside of the car and cry, which obviously upset the children. Both children dispalyed high levels of separation anxiety . The first few weeks of visitation at my home were difficult for both kids,as suddenly there was a whole other family and some basic rules being introduced....I have very reasonable rules in my home, I think. Eat and drinking in the kitchen only, we sit at the kitchen table during meals, and toys should stay in the 15X11 playroom. I do place some expectations on children over two years old, such as getting and putting on their own coat and shoes, cleaning up after themselves...more to give them some independence and confidence than anything. At any rate, after the intitial adjustment period of a few weeks, the children were used to the way it works here (for lack of a better term). At that time, I also began teaching them colors and numbers, etc. and they loved to learn. During the same time, the mother had expressed her concern to me regarding the oldest boy...her concerns were that he was not fully potty-trained, he threw occasional tantrums and seemed to prefer to watch television instead of playing with his brother and she didn't think his soial skills were devloping at a normal rate. I told her at that time that he was intitiating play here and that he was very coopertive and engaged in activities with all of our children with no significant problems. I explained that I had the same problems with my oldest when he was that age and on the advice of my pediatrician, I put him in a formal pre-school, after a while, many of these things cleared up. She expressed that her phyisician told her the same thing. However, instead of giving it a try, she took the child for testing. He was diagnosed with a possible pervasive developmental disorder and possibly a communication disorder, but it was too early to be positive- results of testing were- language -delayed, behavior- poor, adaptive- mild deficiency It was suggested that she put the child in a formal pre-school and introduce some behavior modification and rules at home. She was referred to the autism society for information on PDD. The mother, then, began telling everyone that he was diagnosed with autism...and instead of a pre-school he was put into a school for developmentally delayed children, which she had to fight to get him into because there was no official diagnoses. After being in the special programs and his being tested almost bi-weekly, this child that previously loved to learn, began to resist learning....stating "not again" at times and began to be resistant to the tests. Finally, someone changed his diagnoses to autism, because he displayed "autistic like characteristics". On the CARS spectrum, he rated 30.5 (30 ratings are considered borderline). In part, this was concluded by his delayed social interaction with peers and delayed communication skills. While I do agree that that the child may have had some speech/communication delays and would benefit from therapy in that area, I do not agree that he is autistic. Additonally, over half of the testing criteria for one of the tests were not even attempted because he was not enrolled, nor has ever been, in a formal school. She had put on i.d. bracelt on him stating that he is autistic, which finally came off a month ago (he held up his wrist and asked me what was wrong with him, I told him that there was nothing "wrong" with him and he asked her to remove it when he got home) She has implemented her own "home therapies" and coping mechanisms for the child- basically treating the child as though he were a low functioning autistic child. She bought a therapeutic swing to help strengthen back muscles and help with sensitivity to elevation and motion (when he's here he swings, climbs to the highest point on my swingset, rides a bicylce, plays catch, soccer, some basketball-these things were all foreign to him until we taught him how last year, and wrestles with and sometimes even pins, his 7 year-old step-brother who's twice his size). She has sent ear plugs in case the noise here overwhelms him-he's supposedly sensitive to noise because he covers his ears when you run a vacuum (she considered this "freaking out" and hasn't run the vac while he's home in a year)- he has never displayed any "overwhelm" with noise here (except when I ran the vac the very first time, he held his ears, I introduced him to the vac and let him take it for a spin-no problem since) and I have three other children all under the age of ten when he's here- talk about noise!!!! She draws a clock on a piece of paper- postitioning the hands to the time that he will leave-and he carries it with him when he's not with her. She forgot to give him one recently and he was VERY UPSET, he asked me to make one so he "knows that mommy will be picking him up". I told him that I would make one, but his mom will come to pick him up whether he has a clock or not. He looked confused and said "Really?" I said yes, and he went downstairs to play (without a clock- and hasn't needed one since!) His behavior here and around us is very different from the way he is at home and around his mother (this is true for the other child too). There always seemed to be only normal, age appropriate, problems at my home with behavior or social interaction with his siblings and neighborhood children. He's not very open to learning new things and has tried to get out of doing things by saying "I can't do it" before even trying. However once he knows he can't get away with that, he performs whatever the task is perfectly (although he will complain about having to do it). We have tried to tell the mother that what we see when he is here is very different that what she she sees at home, however she does not include our observations in her reports when he is tested. Nor has she made anyone aware of the lifestyle changes/adjustments where going on during the testing/observation period. On a side note... everyone who works with the child says that he is progressing at an excellerated rate (" has come much further than anyone ever thought he would"). Since that observation, he has been placed in a normal kindergarten, but displays behavioral problems (not acedmic ones)- the mother is preparing to talk with his classmates about his disability (she tends to ask the world around him to change). The mother also had him tested (again, over and over, by different specialists) for allergies. And, finally, now he has a new doctor who "doesn't think he's autistic- but thinks he has epilepsy" (he is currently being tested for that) There is so much more that I want to include here, but I think this gives a clear enough picture. So my questions are; 1. Is it possible for the treatment of the child by the parent to perpetuate some characteristics of disorders such as autisim or pervasive developmental disorder. 2. Can a social/ developmental delay can be accurately assessed if the child had never been exposed to an environment where these skills could be developed naturally (pre-school or other social setting involving other children of the child's age group). 3. What kind of damage (emotionally, educationally, psycologically), if any, could he face if he is not autistic, but continues to be be treated and taught to learn as though he is? 4. Any advice on how to or if we should confront the mother? 5. Is there anyone out there that we can turn to for help?

No Replies