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Unread June 1st, 2006, 11:09 PM
littlethree littlethree is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Spokane, Washington
Posts: 21
Question Attraction to Therapist

When I was young I was sexually molested. After this, in my "normal" relationships with my family (and the few friends I had) life was marked by little to no nurturing and safe touch. (This is just saying touch was withheld - which is a whole other issue - not saying that it was replaced by continous sexual touch). But I had more sexual touch that was inappropriate at a young age and had not enough "safe" touch to counter the "bad" touch.

And what it seems like now, when I genually care about someone or have an attachment or bond, I usually sexualize the relationship.

Similar has happened with me and my therapist. I have been with her for 2+ years now (took me 15 years to find a therapist I connect with). And I have had sexual thoughts and fantasizes about her. And somehow we have a "safe enough" relationship where I have actually told her of my concerns about this. It took a while to bring it up and I did it in backdoor way, talking about what I mentioned in the previous paragraph. (And also discussed my self-gratification tendencies)...and in a round about way I was having a "vision" while we did therapy with my eyes closed. And by process of elimation, it was evident that she was part of my vision. And I did admit to it, because I knew she knew, and because I wanted to bring it up sometime because I know it happens with other people besides her.

So now, we are working to redirect this. And she said that when I have sexual images/fantasizes I should try to bring them up, so we can understand the more appropriate response and to "normalize" the sexual feelings in me. She said I could speak it, or write it out and then read it, or just have her read it. And I was able to speak one vision I was having (about her) and it didn't "hurt" and she was able to lead me to a safer place with it and she didn't "run away" freaked out by me.

That is an obivous fear that she will be appalled by me, that I'll say something wrong by bringing up things. She continues to assure me she has heard a lot of things and I have already told her some things in print before that were a bit more "graphic" about what used to happen in my life. So she has heard it from me too.

My main questions here (I apologize for rambling) are:

(1) Am I a "freak" for having these thoughts about her?

(2) Is there anywhere I can read up on this to help me understand why and how it happens and the approach to deal with it (such as an online article etc.)?

(3) Have other therapists used the approach of having people talk about these images and feelings toward others and self, to put them in a better context and help direct feelings toward a more appropriate response?

Thank you.
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