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Unread May 8th, 2009, 12:01 PM
James Brody James Brody is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Philadelphia area
Posts: 1,143
Smile Mrs Fred & Fred: Mom's Day

With permission from two favorite people...

“…he's doing much better, started Specific Carbohydrate Diet for UC, which means I cook my heine off every day, as the diet is quite restricted and he's needing to eat lots of fresh, steamed vegetables, home made yogurt, etc. I'm expecting a GREAT Mother's Day, as I've done lots of "mothering" lately.


"You haven't seen me around much because husband Fred, aka FDog, has been quite a sick puppy as of late, so sick, that his favorite reading material during the worst part of his illness was Final Exit, which I initially hoped might be a self-help book about how to deal with the end products of ulcerative colitis (she said delicately), one of Fred's major health issues. Yes, the book is self-help all right, but not the kind I wanted Fred to help himself to. OK let's cut to the chase: Fred was freaking me out big time.

"In a way I don't blame him for freaking me out, or for his choice of literary material. His physical meltdown, which included not just a severe UC flare, but also pancreatitis and a scarily dehydrated state, can make any guy miserable enough to say: "Just shoot me!"

"But during his recent, third hospital stay in a month, Fred quit spiraling downward. And I stretched myself beyond what I could ever imagine. I became not just a caregiver and nurse, but also his hooker. That's when he started to get noticeably better. But first this shocker:

"In spite of Fred's serious medical crises and numerous hospitalizations, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, he and I are both doing OK. I'm OK, He's OK, And That's a Total Shock to Everyone But God. Both of us doing fantastic from the neck up, in fact, save for a few age spots on my own, personal forehead. Physically, however, Fred would like to trade in his entire immune system for that of one of the Jonas Brothers, but that's a whole other topic.

"Back to the hooker thing. In the last few weeks I have selflessly and generously helped hook up my husband with some Bag Ladies who truly do know that the way to a man's heart is through a picc line in his arm that's attached to a nutrients bag of 1250 calories, with contents traveling 18 inches through a tiny plastic tube into an artery near his heart and into his bloodstream, keeping him from losing 30 pounds in five weeks, EVER again, we hope.

"The first Bag Lady Fred hooked up with was this tall, skinny, Polish thing he met during all three of his recent hospital stays. She was aptly named Ivy-as in IV Pole, and held the nutrients bag just fine. But alas, upon coming home from his last stay in Room 271 of Club Med, Fred quickly dumped Ivy the Pole for Fanny-aka "Fanny Pack"-he's always been a "but" man. He uses the word constantly in conversation, like "but why don't you cook for me like they do on the cruise ship?" Or, when addressing doctors: "but do I really need to get Remicade infusions?" But why am I getting ANOTHER sigmoidoscopy?" But, but, butt.

"Fanny Pack ended up being a flash in the bed pan as well. Fred settled on his third, and favorite Bag Lady, Carrie-as in "Carry Pack." Fred carries Carrie over his shoulder for about 14 hours a day; she, the trusty guardian of his "feed bag." Carrie, Fred, and I will be a threesome for another three weeks, looks like. And sometimes foursome, when the visiting nurse does what she does best-visit. (She's rather chatty.)

"Not that I'm jealous of a Bag Lady, but I do hope Fred and Carrie break up soon, so he and I can drive to Cleveland and attend our niece's Big Fat Greek Wedding May 23rd. As of the last few days he's shown he's definitely recovering from his alphabet soup issues that include PSC (see for info) and UC. Fortunately, I was smart and put him and me on the PL (prayer list), and also started him on the SCD (Specific Carbohydrate Diet). The Ps and the SCD are our best hope of healing what ails him, we believe.

"Before I forget - Happy Mother's Day to Moms everywhere, and a special 'Bless You!' to moms who, due to occasional medical and emotional necessity, play nurse, mom, and hooker to the kid you hooked up with however many years ago. I don't know about you, but I never expected 'I do,' to include those things 'I did' and still do. By the way, I'm expecting an awesome Mother's Day. At least that's what I keep telling my biggest kid.

"Be shameless,

Shelley Harper Hussey/Hooker

Joshua 1:9
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