Rhesus Politicians
 

“…to an extraordinary degree, the predilections of the investing sex—females—potentially determine the direction in which the species will evolve. For it is the female who is the ultimate arbiter of when she mates and how often and with whom.” (Sarah Hrdy, 1981)

“She mopped the floor with him.” Alex Stone of WABC in reference to what Sharron Angle did to Harry Reid

We find in nature a partnership between food and sex. Male scorpion flies offer their date a fresh kill before jumping on her body. Male chimps offer a fresh piece of meat to the lady, bonobos use pieces of fruit. So do human Casinovas who find that the more expensive the dinner, the more apt she is to share his bed.

There are other aspects of this link between food, money, and sex. Males feel less guilty after an affair with a beautiful woman than with an ugly one; females feel less guilty after an affair with a wealthy man than with a poor one. And females are more apt to forgive their husband’s affair than his giving money to a second female. And finally, females often prefer to share one wealthy man rather than each of them having exclusive access to a poor one. Once a woman makes her choice, she makes her knave less weird, impulsive, or independent and she finds allies in her mother, sister, brothers, best friends, preacher, lawyer, psychology text, and Oprah.

It all begins early. Mothers abort males who demand too much, take us to psychologists later, and eventually toss us out the door. A female Rhesus does the same thing with her rude, combative little guys, evicting them from the family after the first year and onto the jungle floor where they become food for insects, snakes, buzzards, and cats. She starts our reshaping at our conception and continues through our kindergarten and twelve years of school. She then hands the task to another woman who continues it through courtship, church participation, and the penal system.

When women find that we are still slackers, she gains weight and loses her smiles, make-up, hairdos, and exercise programs. He wonders why she worries, she worries that he doesn’t. He worries about her saving for a lawyer, she worries that she didn’t save enough. “Money always shows up” loses to “We’re gonna be on the street.” And two sophisticated adults lose sleep breaking passwords and checking their mate’s text messages, email, and bank balance.

These are average events in a neighborhood or a therapist’s office but you also see them in national politics.

Right now tonight, we have Kristi Noem, Nikki Haley, Peg Whitman, Carly Fiorina, Christine O’Donnell, Sharron Angle, Jan Brewer, Sarah Palin, and Michele Bachmann—and not a dog in this pack!— responding to a gang of mostly males who threw us into an average debt of $44,000, 9 percent unemployment (16% in some areas), and tax increases that begin in 75 days…all accomplished by a predominantly leftist, predominantly male Congress that didn’t read the legislation before approving it.

The ladies are pissed for instinctive reasons! Fortunately, Rocky Balboa taught all of them about the “Eye of the Tiger”: Stand tall, concentrate on what you’re doing, and don’t squeal while you rip off his nuts. And, by damn, bless her savage heart, Sharron Angle did exactly that. Harry no longer rasps, he squeaks.

It’s fun to see all of this throughout our republic…but then, I’m a bachelor with nickels in my pocket, one who is happy that Sock Puppet was a screecher during the first half of her campaign and lost her chance to become my nation’s nag.