A little while ago I had a male client who came into counselling because he was having trouble making a marital commitment to his long term girlfriend because he found himself fantasising about other women (eg waitresses) and what their bodies were like. During fantasy he experienced a sense of excitment but on reflection of his behaviour he felt very guilty and ashamed. Talking to his girlfriend about this (whom he described as pure) was also difficult because he feared she would be repulsed by his behaviour. She was already angry with him because he could not make up his mind about where their relationship was going. Although he claimed to love her the client was left feeling trapped. On the one hand, he liked to fantasise (he had not acted on any of his fantasies) and on the other hand, he didnt want to lose his girlfriend or hurt her. In his mind, commitment and the nature of his fantasies could not be combined. Explaining fantasising was a healthy aspect of sexual desire also did not reassure him. He coped by avoiding 'a decision' but had come into counselling - I think to find an answer. We worked on issues around developing intimacy with his partner in terms of increased communication and his self esteem as he did not want to lose the relationship. We also developed a good therapuetic alliance in which he felt comfortable sharing deep thoughts and emotions which fuelled his confusion. In one session, I realised that we never really talked about the contents of his fantasies - which is when he disclosed the above. In this session, however an automatic thought that went through my mind was whether he sexually fantasised about me. This was a scary thought because it raised an important question. Namely, could such a question be used therapeutically without violating the clients boundaries or shifting the focus of therapy into another arena which would set off another set of fantasies. Just asking this question, could shame the client - as it would if he answered yes. Furthermore, by me putting him on the spot he could lie - and say no, as 'its not right to fantasisie about your therapist, or to even verbalise such a thing!'. Plus he would wonder why I wanted to know etc. Thus a part of me felt uncomfortable asking and I also deemed it ethically wrong. On the other hand, whilst very aware that there is a big difference between a therapeutic relationship and a personal one, if the client did not get offended (based on the bond and trust of the therapeutic relationship) and his answer was yes,could that be used as evidence to show him that he could experience close relationships without his fantasies intruding. Or if his answer was no, could that demonstrate (using the therapeutic relationship as a parallel) that getting emotionally closer to his girlfriend by bieng honest and working on difficulties with her could in time assist in decreasing his fantasising, which seemed centred on women he had no emotional connection with. I suppose, I could have used another female in his life whom he felt emotionally close to vs me to test this assumption - but I only thought of this afterward. In the end I did not ask the question, because on weighing it up I thought it best not to.
I would appreciate your thoughts on this issue.
Replies:
|
| Behavior OnLine Home Page | Disclaimer |
Copyright © 1996-2004 Behavior OnLine, Inc. All rights reserved.