I have continued since the last postings to read articles here, and read Ms. Shapiro's book on EMDR (Breakthrough). I note on several posts here the word "looping" in regard to working with DID and EMDR -- getting stuck in the emotions I think. I've been in therapy sevearl years consistently (and years ago) and have come thousands of miles with some integration. I would like to understand this "looping" a bit better. I am havingt some concerns about the EMDR therapy, wondering about the experiences of my new t with not only DID but EMDR. She states she has worked with DID (but not to "your" degreee she tells me) and she's having good success with EMDR and sexual abuse clients. I'm not sure my fears or the anxiety is related to her or from issues inside Katieshouse which seem to have some foundation in deception, not being in control, etc. I have processed so very much -- incident after incident for years as previously noted. I feel relatively safe in knowing I've achieved some closure in quite a few areas - or, what I'm really concerned about I think, is did I receive closure on some levels but not on all lives within the system. I have experienced momemtarily deep emotions immeidately following the flashback, which would sometimes involve body memories, but then, often, it was "gone". On occasion, emotions would find me in the middle of the night, sometimes never. My current t thinks there has been some "spontaneous" integration in some cases, and in others, she too, thinks that someone else may have come to the "rescue". Where does looping fit into this. I was very very relieved to read we do not have to go through every sordid detail again and my abuse, programming and training was consistent from early infancy to me leaving home at 15 and then sporadically, through my 20s and 30s, until I "escaped". Either I had a very determined part that wanted to live the life and I lost the space, or God truly performed a miracle for a time and I felt I was living the kind of life I had always wanted...peace, safety, functioning...and then, duh, someone decided I would go into therapy to discover truth in the inward parts and all hell broke loose. I don't want to live through even the ashes of the last three years, which were videos and photographs and "reincarnations" of horrific abuse in various ways. I also, want to be "whole", fully integrated and know from one minute to the next that it's "me" living my life and not me through some conditioned fog. I want to be a friend someone can depend on. I want to begin ministry again, which I left shortly after starting therapy and uncovering so many ugly holes. There are times I think I wish I had never asked God through prayer and supplications to reveal the truth and let me know not only the fellowship of His suffering but the resurrection power. Perhaps someone in Katieshouse knew what I was asking, but I have been appalled, and truthfully, felt the quality of what I thought my life was, deteriorate drastically to almost not being able to funtion this past year. I need to finish what I started and I believe God is going to do that one way or the other. I would just like to be a bit more "informed". I feel I can do and manage anything if I understand it - as much as one can understand the phenomena of the mind. I know it's a weekend and people are busy but I hope someone can respond in the next few days before I have another session to discuss this issue of EMDR. I'm not a professional so I hope using "our" name is acceptable at this point. Perhaps later we might be able to let someone address their own issues apart from mine. And I'm sure there are some. Sometimes I'm not quite certain, who's in the space and who's issues are where. It's very convoluted, especially when we are in a state of confusion such as which way to go and what to do. Systems within systems seem to have varying opinions and it complicates Katieshouse. :)
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