I'll be in danger of some domestic squabble myself if I spend as much time on the computer as I'd like right now!! We're due to leave for dinner in a few minutes.
For starters, check out the final chapter in my 1987 edited book "The Many Faces of Shame," in which Mel Lansky discusses his experience with the issues you address. Mel is a psychoanalyst who runs a family treatment unit at a VA hospital in LA, and who has pioneered the technique of getting a whole family in the hospital at the same time so their interactions may be observed. He give a lot of attention to your question, even though I hadn't thought of the compass of shame when that book was written. Incidentally, Lansky's work really goes a long way to show that much of domestic violence is interactional, and that the sharp distinction between victim and offender blurs when shame is involved. Not to say that victims "ask for it," but that often they are trapped in interactions they know how to approach only with techniques that guarantee further abuse. Obviously, there are families that have gotten to the point of no return, where nothing done by the victim explains or excuses the behavior of the offender. But I really believe that it is important for us to recognize the midpoints of the range from mild to severe abuse.
I've often said that "shame is soluble in alcohol and boiled away by cocaine and the amphetamines," which means that alcohol is "shamolytic." You might remember some of my comments about that in "Shame and Pride." Since the ability of shame to restrict action is lysed by alcohol, we tend to become "exhibitionistic" (Avoidance Pole of the compass) or attacking (Attack Self Pole) under the influence of alcohol.
Don't worry about the folks who try to shame those of us who look for causality at a level deeper than the good/bad dichotomy. I can't imagine a clinical situation that won't be made better by sober analysis of the affective interactions involved.
Over the next couple of daysI'll try to suggest some references that speak to your issues.
I've been involved as an expert witness in an alternative dispute resolution court, and that court met at 9 AM today (Sunday). We're on for most of tomorrow, which will limit my access to this machine. Thanks for the question.
Let me throw one back to you and some of the other people who check in with this forum: How do you deal with the kind of abuse situation you describe?